She - Part Three

 

Michael and I got out of the car in the Walmart parking lot. I closed the door to my silver Mitsubishi Galant and beeped the alarm twice. Once to lock the doors and again to set the alarm. Michael is seven years old and is so independent I let him roll his eyes at me when I ask him to hold my hand in the parking lot.

“Come on Michael, you know the drill, not every vehicle is paying attention baby. I need to keep you safe” I tell him.

“Ya, I know, I know” he said as he walked around the car to grab my hand.

Michael wants to be as tall as his older brother so badly, he even walks slightly on his tip toes in order to seem taller. He has a long way to go, his older brother Christopher is sixteen years old and already 6’. Michael is 4’ exactly and has always taken more after my side of the family. Michael has shaggy dark brown hair that just barely goes past his ears, violating his school dress code; he has my dark brown eyes and olive complected skin. Michael has such an angel face and soft features that there have been many times when he and I are out shopping and strangers stop us to tell me how beautiful he is. Michael is aware of his pretty face and always manages to distort his features into a silly smile or what seemed to be a variety of rabid squirrel expressions when he finds me looking at him.

Michael tip toes over to me and takes my hand and we begin to make our way through the busy parking lot.

 

            She decided to pick me up from elementary school early saying I had a doctor’s appointment. When I got to the office and came through the door She stood from her chair smiling at me and said “Did you forget your appointment?”

 I argued that there was no appointment and that I usually stay home from school when I have a doctor’s appointment. She frowned at me as the school office secretary awaited her response as to why I was really being taken out of class. My second-grade teacher Mrs. Blankenship assured me that honesty was the best policy and that my parents would never be upset if I told the truth.

            “I forgot about it, ok, that’s why I’m here now to pick you up” She said firmly.

            I knew that look meant to shut up now. I looked down and gripped the straps to the backpack in my hands and started to walk toward her slowly. She signed me out of school and walked out the door to the parking lot. I was left in the office looking after her. She turned around and glared at me as the office door closed. I broke out into a run pushing the office door roughly and leaving it flung open. I jumped down three steps and was at the car just in time for her to open the back door on the passenger side for me. I stood at the open door and looked up at her. She was looking at the office windows that were dark from the outside and pushed me by my head into the car. I barely missed hitting my head on the roof of the car and could feel the friction my hair made on the gold upholstery. I flew in and slightly bounced on the back seats. I tried to pull my legs in quickly and as I did I rubbed my shin on the frame of the car. I was laying awkwardly but managed to pull both legs in the car before She shut the door on them. As She walked around to the driver’s side of the vehicle I sat up and scooted to the right side of the car farthest from the driver seat. I squished myself to the door. She was notorious for trying to hit me as soon as She got in the car. She would reach over the seat and start swinging, it didn’t matter if the car was in motion or not.

            She got herself settled into the seat, started the car and began to back out of the parking spot. I watched her in the rearview mirror, waiting to see what She was going to do. She pulled the car out of the school parking lot and drove on. It didn’t seem like She was going to do anything in that moment, so I looked at my scraped leg. Just broken skin and no blood. I began to peel off the white dead skin. I got so mad at her suddenly. How was I supposed to know that there was a doctor’s appointment or whatever She wanted me to lie for?

            She drove the car so smoothly I didn’t realize She had pulled over to the side of the road until I heard her put the car in park. I looked up from my leg to see her turn and reach for my hair. She pulled my ponytail with her left hand and started to slap my face with her right. She hit the side of my face, ear, and shoulder whatever She could reach. I covered my head with my arms to block as much as I could.

            “No one fucking asked you to start talking, did they?!” She yelled, “Who the fuck do you think you are making me look stupid in front of those fat ass women?!”

            I covered my head with my hands to block, but my left ear started ringing. She yanked my ponytail back and forth then down as far as She could and threw my head the opposite direction, hitting my head on the car window. She turned around in the seat and started the car. I sat up and scooted as close to the car door as I could. The tears were already streaming down my face. My head hurt, my ponytail was a tangled mess of hair on the side of my head and my ear was ringing.

I looked at her from the back seat of her gold 1969 Chrysler New Yorker. Her father purchased the vehicle for her when my dad finally got tired of her sneaking out to party each night. We only had one car before, and when he would get home, he would take the spark plugs out of it and hide them. It never stopped her though. They would just fight first, and She would leave anyway.

“I am so sick to death of you and your crying”, She said, “All you do is bitch and cry all the time. It’s disgusting, you’re disgusting, don’t fucking look at me”.

I looked away from her and out the window. ‘I hate you’, I thought, ‘I hate you; I hate you’.

I watched the houses become fewer and fewer as they were replaced by businesses and fast-food chains. We reached the parking lot of a bookstore. She maneuvered the massive vehicle into a parking spot. We both exited the car, slamming the immense metal doors behind us. I waited for her at the rear of the car to walk around it and come get me. She kept walking and passed me by.

I did a quick skip to catch up to her and She grabbed my hand. I didn’t want her to touch me but couldn’t push her away; that would have made her angrier. So, I didn’t close my fingers around her hand. I kept my hand straight and inflexible like a piece of wood.

She looked down at our hands and then at me without slowing her pace, lifted my hand and threw it at me, hitting my chest.

“You fucking little bitch”, She whispered as we crossed the parking lot, “You think you are so much better than me don’t you. You think you could do better is that it, a fucking princess, right?”

‘I am better than you’ I thought to myself.

“Just wait until you get home. You will wish I aborted your ass like your father wanted me to do.”

 

“Mom, watch out!” Michael shouted.

Michael stopped in his tracks and pulled hard on my hand to stop me. I stumbled backwards a step and a swoosh of black truck flew past me, nearly a foot away. Had I kept walking I would have stepped too close and may have gotten knocked down or hit by the passing truck.

 “I’m so sorry babe, I was lost in thought” I said “I guess I went into auto pilot again and wasn’t paying attention. I’m ok now though. I am so sorry”.

I shook my head from side to side trying to shake the thoughts from my mind and we looked both ways and when traffic was clear we began to walk across the black top to the entrance. I held Michaels hand and brought it to my lips and gave it a little kiss. Michael smiled at me and pulled my hand closer to him so he could kiss my hand too.

“I love you mom” Michael said.

“I love you too babe” I replied.

I thought about when I was holding her hand…would I have helped her and pulled her back like Michael did for me? Or would I have just stood over her as She fell backwards after getting hit by the car. My chest began to ache with that sharp familiar sadness.

‘I know I am better than She was’, I thought to myself, I glanced quickly at Michael and then away again. ‘Michael would never let anything happen to me, he loves me, he’s not afraid of me. That’s what’s important. That’s what makes me better’.